小秘密大公开 之 想重新再来の故事

今天读了五个钟头的Macroeconomics，也不懂正在修物理的我拿了门经济学来干屁…兴趣吧。读了那么久，画了无数的IS-LM curve,头脑也开始昏昏了…心血来潮的我也来凑凑热闹，试写篇看起来还满趣的文章。

我想要重来的故事…实在是太多了…哈哈！

先从学业说起吧！

想重新再来：

我想在中学时，努力读书些，拿个奖学金，帮家人省下我的教育费。让他们可以轻松点，不必为生活奔波劳累…以前的学科如此简单，我又不是笨的，就是不去读，白白浪费了那些机会，哎呀…

还有，我以前应该努力修我的语文，特别是英文和华文。

我说呀，中学时期读的学科都没用，就除了语文科和数学…不知是哪个笨蛋和我说读科学不用语文好，我就那么浑浑噩噩地度过了五年的语文课。现在,写作是我在nus最大的障碍呀！我的英文还满烂的，写来写去都读不顺，语法错误层出不穷…我时常要写review paper 和 project report，写作欠佳还真不便，表达不了我的意见和看法。华文更不用说，来到了大学，除了和中国人和大马人说之外，用中文的机会是少之又少…6/10 的新加玻人都是讲英语的，听他们读华文报是我一生其中一个最难忘的东西，一个字！烂！

还好，我对写作渐渐培养出兴趣，希望以后可以进步然后写本书关于物理或我的兴趣！哈哈！

想重新再来：

我会把我浪费在打电脑游戏的时间，去学学烹饪，音乐，运动等等，去发掘一些意外潜能。看到我周围的家人，朋友，十个八个都是懂音乐，甚至连和我同住一楼的邻居们都是超厉害的，有这个念头还挺难免的。

想重新再来：

如果可以重来的话，我得勇敢些，脸皮厚些，大步大步地踏出去，好让自己去尝试更多不同的东西，接触更多的人，早点认识自己。

想重新再来：

学习关心家人多一点，逗妈妈和姐姐开心点，和教导妹妹多一点。

想重新再来：

发育高点。哈哈！他妈的矮我呀！

想重新再来的东西是永远都数不清的，让我们一起为未来加油！

SP2172

Too beautiful to be true

My heart melted at 8.20 pm when i turn my head up and saw the way you looked at me.

Too beautiful,

Your eyes were.

Too elegant,

Your gesture was.

Too innocent and comforting,

Your voice was

“不好吃吗？”. A rather random, simple question you asked sparked the thousands thoughts in my mind, i swear i have never felt this way before. I wished I had a way to take a picture of how you stared at me this evening, it was a memory i forever will remember because nobody looked as beautiful as you. Silently and unknowingly, you have cheered me up more than enough these two days.

The smell of your long, black and straight hair was like a natural fragrance. Sitting next to you watching the movie, I could not stop myself from getting closer to you, only to embrace myself with the gentle aroma that surround you along the mesmerizing and cheerful laughter that is constantly projected out from your lungs. I did not care much about the movie, let alone the terrible and overused plot, at least for me. Many glances, i placed onto your face, hoping that I could retain as much image as possible in my mind because seeing you is never often enough.

My heart ached when you told me about your sleeping issues. However, i was delighted that you were willing to share something like that with me. Could it mean that you trusted me ? I hoped so. I told myself, there will be no second thoughts for me to drag myself out of the bed and accompany you go through the sleepless, frustrated nights when insomnia hits you regardless of what awaits me next morning.

I wonder if you had realised the situation, if you had the same feeling as i do. Does Newton’s Third Law apply here? I hope the reaction force, in this case, would be something i have been looking forward to. An approval and acceptance.

A fair world

The world is unfair. There are people suffering from poverty, famine, violent abuse, sexual discrimination and any form of agony you can think of. But on the other side of the world, some people are well blessed, they get to enjoy all the good things in this world from the very beginning when they are brought to this world-good parental care, high quality education, safe and pleasant living environment and etc.

I start to wonder, what if all of us are born into an imaginary domain that everything is ensured with equal fairness. What would happen to either sides of the world?

Would the world be better off so?

Would this help to eradicate jealousy, hatred and all sins created due to inequity?

Or perhaps we would less cherish what we already have when any blessed life is taken for granted?

Or perhaps unfairness is created to remind us the extra priviledges given, serve not only for our own purposes, but to help and sympathize those in need with a sincere heart?

It seems that there is a lot of questions to ponder, with a lot more problems to be resolved. Who knows why, of all the possible social patterns, we unwittingly chose the one that appears to fit our world today?

Staring at nothing, writing something.

Here i am, staring into my LCD, sctratching my head for ideas yet frustrating over the report i need to write at 2:21 am. Suddenly i felt like writing something other than my academic report, but no topic comes into my mind. I just wanted to exercise my fingers on the keyboard, not my brain cells for some ultra super hard scientific academic report.

Sometimes, the way people develop their emotional feeling is interesting. I’ve just booked my ticket back home yesterday. 69 SGD. Right after paying for my ticket using my credit card, i felt a sudden surge of an uncomfortable feeling, a feeling that stricks me everytime i touch ground after exiting from an airplane. I was feeling home sick. Oh dear, it didn’t seem coming.

I couldn’t exactly describe the kind of feeling that i had. It wasn’t the miserable, depressing kind of homesickness but it was unusual. You just miss home, suddenly, out of nowhere, out of no reason. Just a simple payment of the airflight ticket, triggered that. Human emotional feeling is random. I guess that’s what made pscyhology major so popular now. Anyway, i have finally finished my last lab for my sps project. A long project, a lot of bumps, and many problems encountered. I don’t feel like talking about it here, it simply reminds me of the many unpleasant experiences i had with the project especially during the early stage. It got better later and now, i’m writing a final report for that. I hope it will go smoothly and get a decent grade for it. I don’t expect a very good grade, but still, i will hope for a grade that at least can help me to maintain my CAP.

Second year physics is tough, a lot tougher but amazingly, i enjoy most of what i’m learning now. The extra depth of the subjects and the beauty of mathematics simply astonished me everytime i flipped over a new chapter, be it on Quantum Mechanics or Classical Mechanics. The knowledge is vast, really vast and many concepts are intelligently developed, creatively created by the brilliant physicists or mathematicians in the past. I don’t know what can limit the power of a human brain. I really love the higher level physics but i hope i can devote more time for it, there is so much more that i need to learn on my own, so much more that the lecturer cannot even cover half of what there is.

I hope i will do fine in the two modules. The competition is fierce, the material is tough but i will survive through them. I’m not the extra super smart kind of person, even though i’m pretty much surrounded by all these people, but i’m not weak either. Hopefully my hardwork, and some luck will help me to get good results this semester again. If i can maintain what i did last semester, First Class Honours can be possible for me, even though i never really thought it was possible. Second Upper will suffice.

Developing my reading habit

Yes, I have been trying very hard to force myself to stick to my reading habit and it seemed to be going fine right now. I have just finished reading a book “Five people you meet in heaven” . The presentation of the story was intelligently delivered, the content was heart-warming, and the languange was simple yet beautiful enough to capture the attention of the readers. Nevertheless, I feel some parts in the book can be longer, it seemed a little bit too abrupt for some chapters.

It was a good read, but now I’m craving more something more tangible, something more intellectual. Yet intellectual books require a lot of concentration and time to understand the argument, which I’m lacking of now. Hopefully I’ll be able to finish another book before the semester ends using that petty 20-30 minutes pre-sleeping time everyday.

Happy birthday to Wan Ting

Happy birthday to Wan Ting!! She has just turned 20, time seems to pass pretty fast huh.

We went to Reddot Brewhouse last friday to celebrate her birthday with a group of friends. All of us know her very well, me, Jackie, Yu Ling, Lena, Ruth, Sharon, Sushi,Yi Wern and Edward, whom joined us in the later part of the dinner.

That night was the first time we prepared a birthday celebration for her, so nicely done that it was the first time i saw her so happy when we delivered her the cupcakes. Me and Sushi ordered the cupcakes two weeks ago at Orchard, where we got the material for the birthday card as well. The joy was apparent, she was never so happy. I could feel the gust of joy rushing out from her laughter especially when we gave her the birthday card,  beautifully crafted by sushi, sincerely signed by the all of us.

I think it was worth it, for us to spend so much time preparing for her birthday. I guess nothing else can be more valuable than seeing your friends enjoy the birthday party that you threw for them.

The good thing about the dinner? Friendship earned and appreciated. Birthday girl happy.

Bad side? It costed us 50 SGD per person for that dinner. Expensive shits.

Anyway, thanks for being my best girl buddy in KR. Thanks for bringing me up when i’m down and talk to me when i emo. It’s your big day. Enjoy.

Reaching my stress limit

My posts are getting more and more random. It’s ironic to write something like this while my previous post was so, endearing and lovely. I can hardly believe that i wrote that, myself.

I just could not handle so much at a time. It’s overwhelming and suffocating me out. The hall is exceptionally quiet tonight, I have not heard or seen anyone walking past my door. Well, this simply means another night for me to emo. You would not be reading this this if otherwise.

I know, it’s annoying to read about someone else’ frustration. It’s even worst when you see the person is telling you how much his/her workload is.  Therefore, i’ll leave you out with this.

Why am i so stressed out?

I want to excel in every aspect that I’m involved in.

I want to make up for what I have missed and correct the mistakes that I’ve done.

I feel that I have the responsibility to set things right.

I feel that I need to set a good example because of the trust that people have placed on my shoulders.

I need to always remind myself there is no second chance for certain things in our life. I always have the tendency to feel okay to miss certain things out, or to make certain mistakes in the past. That was not okay. I’m starting to understand certain words or quotes that I have come across with, in much greater depths. I’m starting to appreciate things that I have may ignored, or mistaken that it was trivial last time.

Nevertheless, all these are just parts of a process when you grow, mentally from the inner most layer of your thoughts. It is a process that subsequently change and affect what you may do in the next step. I’ll continue to work hard and endure the challenges ahead me.

Our first date

I had my first date with you, even you may not think in the same way i do.

The thoughts of you filled my mind the entire night before Tuesday. It has been a long time since i had such euphoria rush. I believed all these happened only to remind me that i have met the right,unique and the special one. And i’ll be seeing her in a couple of hours later.

I imagined hard how you would dress up. I hoped you will put on your nicest blouse with the flowery pattern that you always liked. You have always looked marvelous and beautiful in a blouse.  However, i knew that may not happen but i prayed anyway.

There came 2.15 pm on Tuesday, i was way better prepared than i should be. I put the book you want into my bag and looked into the mirror just to make sure that i do not look funny later. I walked solemnly and slowly to your block but my mind feels the opposite way from the way i walk. It was full of excitement, anxiety, anticipation, and a one way love.

This is the first time i can look into your eyes and talk to you personally. I do not have to be afraid of letting the people around me to find out how i feel towards you. Nobody knew the both of us this time. When both of us were holding the bar in the train, i wished that your hand will move lower so that i can touch it.

I’ll never forget the lovely feeling i had with you, and I only wish to preserve more of these memories only because I want to remember them, forever and ever.

A letter by Beethoven to his “Immortal Beloved”

My thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved

I can live only wholly with you or not at all-

Be calm my life, my all. Only by calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together. Oh continue to love me, never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

Ever thine,

Ever mine,

Ever ours.